Praying My Way Up

  The last few weeks have been ones of discouragement and isolation for me, which you can tell from my last few posts.  I hate when I get like that, because I realize that my isolation is my own doing and yet I can’t seem to stop it.  For the most part I’m attuned to my ups and downs, but that doesn’t mean I’ve gotten them under control.

I realized yesterday though that I couldn’t keep going like this though.  I was floundering and it was starting to show and with so many balls in the air, I just couldn’t let myself collapse.

So I begged.

“I cling to  you; your strong right hand holds me securely” ~ Psalm 63:8

I asked God to pull me together, just one day at a time.  This week was going to be a killer; a trafficking awareness presentation to do, a funeral for a long-time neighbor, my daughter’s birthday party, in addition to the usual busy schedule.  And it’s happening.  I felt peaceful yesterday, amidst my chaotic agenda of school, Taekwondo classes, meeting planning, putting the finishing touches on my presentation, piano lessons, and finally delivering my talk.

I think I ignore this path far too often in my reliance on myself and the devices of the world that I’ve come to trust.  I’m not trying to say that I’m going to stop taking my medication, or stop seeing my psychiatrist on a regular basis, but I think I find myself compartmentalizing God and not seeking His healing in the matter of my mental health.

Maybe because I know that mental illness is a legitimate medical condition and using prayer to combat it feels somehow like I’m giving in to the nay-sayers.  Ridiculous, since I eagerly pray for those with cancer, undergoing surgery, victims of accidents… right?

I need to keep prayer as a first line of defense, not a last resort of desperation.

3 thoughts on “Praying My Way Up

  1. Well put. I am off medication right now not by choice but because I can’t see a doctor. I just made a decision to quit my church and go to another one and my depression and suicidal thoughts lifted. Meds might have just continued to allow me to avoid the problem I have with the church. That it is a going through the motions church.

    • I’m so glad to hear that, the church I’m at now is the first one where I’ve ever felt at home. I really never knew a church could be like this, but I hope I’ll never settle for less again!
      I feel like it’s such a struggle sometimes, trying to figure out whether my meds are covering ‘me’ up and keeping me from fulfilling God’s plan for me, but not liking who I was before them.
      Praying for you, that this new church is a home for you and the whispering continues to leave you alone.

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