My Baby

It’s my Mackenzie’s 8th birthday today.  It’s hard for me to even say that because she’s supposed to still be my little one, the baby.  I suppose every mom feels that way about her youngest.

I hadn’t intended for her to be my last baby.  When we found out I’d have to have a c-section delivery with her we were given the option of having my tubes tied at the same time and I said no.  I was 27 years old and I just wasn’t ready to say I was done.  I came from a big family and I thought I’d have at least 3 of my own.

After she was born I dealt with a variety of issues in my recovery from the c-section from blood clots to infections.  My thyroid began failing and I ended up hospitalized and scared.  I experienced debilitating postpartum depression that was later re-diagnosed as another, more long-term mental illness.  I was told by more than one doctor that 2 was a fine number of children, and that any more would be ill-advised.

Mackenzie is adorable and tiny and I can still pick her up, even though she’s too old for me to do that.  I still find myself babying her far more than I should but I’m trying to get better about it.  She’s fun and good-natured and makes me laugh more than anyone else I know.  Her uniqueness is a gift and while I’m not ready for her to grow up, in many ways I can’t wait to see who she will become.

God has something big in store for her, and I am grateful every day for my place in her life.

Good to be Home

Well, I’ve been home for almost 4 days now, and as much as I’ve wanted to post an update here I still just don’t have a coherent line of thought processed.

It was an amazing trip.  I felt breathtaking joy, love, connection and closeness with God;  I also felt heartsick, confused, ashamed and overwhelmed.

I was so ready to be home, but now that I’m here I’m exhausted, unfocused and procrastinating on the things I need to get done.  This isn’t really a new phenomena, I always take a long time to decompress after a mission trip…. it’s just frustrating in the middle of it.

Be back in a few days when I’ve caught up on sleep and my brain has had a chance to reboot 🙂