Am I grown up yet? Turning 36 today it seems like I should be…

It’s not a landmark birthday by any means. It really should just come and go with minimal expectation and recognition, but for some reason it’s not. Every year it gets harder and harder to get friends and family together to celebrate, everyone is so busy! And I get that because honestly, so am I.

I don’t know why this birthday is making me think about all of this anyway. Despite my hot pink highlights and 2 still healing new tattoos, I know that I’m an adult. I’m married, raising and educating two children, a homeowner… Grown up, right?

I guess it’s my ongoing selfishness that makes me wonder. I want people to stop what they’re doing and celebrate my birthday with me! Presents optional, of course. 😉 I still want someone to bake me a cake and throw me a party. Childish, right?

This side of heaven, I know that I will continue to be selfish. I won’t be able to vanquish this I foe here on earth. But I hope that by next year, I’ll have made some progress and be able to enjoy my birthday without pouting on the inside. I’ll grow up a little more.

But I may have another new tattoo and blue highlights next year!

Where have I been??

It only took a few months to get totally sidetracked on keeping up with a blog, didn’t I?

I got home from Africa last summer and life just felt different. I hit a long manic period that went well into the fall and was so much less organized with homeschooling than I was last year. I was restless and distracted and we got off to a rocky start.

By the end of October my mood had started to slide and my distraction turned to dissatisfaction and unhappiness. By the holidays my restlessness had become exhaustion, and after the New Year all I could do was cry and sleep.

All this time, I drifted farther and farther away from God, stopping praying because I just didn’t have the words. It became obvious to everyone around me how “off” I was acting and friends started to express their concern. My husband, in particular, was worried and pushed me to call my psychiatrist. Over the last 2 months I’ve been adjusting to new medication and changed dosages and just trying to get back to living.

It’s hard to explain the things I’ve felt and thought all this time, but I will say that it’s really hard to walk through your days feeling like you don’t belong in your own life. I’m grateful to be moving past it and back into a better place.

I could still use some prayers, however, for myself and for all of those who’ve had to suffer with me… Especially my husband and kids.

“My life is an example to many, because you have been my strength and protection. That is why I can never stop praising you” Psalm 71:7-8