Music therapy

Love this song by Matt Maher, and always love the acoustic sound. Audrey Assad is a beautiful addition. 

I keep listening to it this week because it’s so true. 

Lord, I Need You

Enjoy. 

I hate it

I hate today.

I haven’t slept.

I’ve gotten nothing done.

I’ve forgotten a bag at Hobby Lobby, dropped a pizza, given up on reading for school because I couldn’t concentrate, stared blankly in the grocery store until a kid from my church caught my attention (awkward), felt headachy and sick and I think I fell asleep on my couch for a few minutes but I’m not sure.

I hate bipolar and everything that goes with it.

Off

I just don’t feel like being friendly.

The weekend has been long and taxing and I’ve had to be “on” way too much and I’m done being social. All of the voices echo in my head and I can’t keep focused or still; it hurts my brain and makes me want to disappear for a while.

Maybe that’s rude or weird or hard to understand, but sometimes being around people is exhausting…

You know?

The Cliff

The last couple of weeks have been awesome.

I’ve gotten to do some fun new things, I’ve been given some cool opportunities, I’ve been insanely busy and I have beenĀ all over it.

I’ve been productive and happy amidst writing papers, planning international trips, attending meetings, responding to emails, getting the kids to their activities, and so on and on and on…

And while all of this activity has been whirling around me and while I’ve managed it with positivity and energy, in the back of my mind there’s been something off in the distance, waiting to make its way to the forefront.

A cliff, just waiting there for me to walk over the edge.

1edge

I’m not going to do it by choice, but it’s going to happen all the same. I’ll keep moving along through my day to day, thinking things are going great until one day I’ll wake up and find myself lying at the base of the cliff wondering what the hell happened.

This all sounds very negative, and I know that I should enjoy the good while it’s going on. I have been for the most part, but every now and then that self awareness kicks in and reminds me that I need to take care of myself; get sleep, eat right, try to stay organized as much as possible.

Because after a long stretch of steady ground, I think I might feel some rocks starting to slide.

Looking over my shoulder

Yesterday I had my first migraine in a very long time.

I know that doesn’t seem significant, but for me when one of those comes around there’s usually something else coming right behind it: a massive shift in “mood.”

It may sound strange if you don’t have or know someone with a mental illness, but symptoms can be very much physical, not just emotional or mental.

Having been diagnosed as bipolar years ago now, I’ve become more attuned to the signs of change and how I can combat them. Sleep is necessary for me, and becoming over stressed is problematic. Keeping up with my meds is an obvious one, right? And checking in with psychiatrist is important.

Guess who’s sleeping poorly and has way too much on their mind? Busy weekend and forgot medication? Hasn’t seen their doctor in about 9 months?

IMG_3702.JPG

I spoke to a friend today whose son had a complete psychotic break over the weekend and is now hospitalized. He had been under stress and not following up with treatment for his bipolar.

I’m praying for him, that he heals from the injuries he sustained when he wandered off alone, and that he heals mentally and returns to an emotionally healthy state.

And I’m praying that I remember to care for myself, because mental illness sucks and I want to stay healthy.