I love the whole minimalist movement that’s going on right now.
I so want to be organized and purge all of my unnecessary belongings, to have “a place for everything and everything in its place.”
Here’s the problem, or rather problems:
I’m not a particularly neat person. My husband and kids are downright messy. They’re also hoarders. And while I love having things neat, I can’t seem to actually make that happen.
I know that sounds like an excuse, or laziness, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I genuinely lack the capacity to create order out of chaos. I look at a closet full of towels, sheets, blankets,board games, photo albums, and who knows what else and I am overwhelmed. I may start with a plan (that I got off of Pinterest!) but somewhere along the way it all becomes too much and I find things that don’t fit into the categories I’ve made, or don’t look right in the bins I’ve bought and now I’ve got to clean it all up because I’ve dragged evERYTHING OUT OF THE CLOSET AND IT’S JUST SITTING HERE IN THE LIVING ROOM IN PILES SO I STUFF IT INTO THE BINS AND CRAM IT IN THE CLOSET AND NOTHING IS BETTER!!!!!
And that is the story of how I reorganized my linen closet this week.
But seriously, I need things to be neat and orderly. My brain needs it. I look over the clutter that is my home and my eyelid starts twitching and I can’t focus on the things I so desperately need to get done! When I browse pictures of beautifully decorated homes and fantasize, I’m not looking at castles and mansions, I’m looking at small, neat, clean spaces with lovely accents to make it homey.
I wish I could get home.
This week has been overwhelming, exhausting, and otherwise wearying.
It’s my last week of classes this quarter, my days have been filled with trainings and meetings for work, I’ve been on antibiotics for an infection (that I’m pretty sure has morphed into something else??), and I figured out last night that while I’ve been out of pocket my kids have been subsisting on ice cream sandwiches.
So… I’m behind on schoolwork, overloaded on material related to the exploitation of minors, neglecting my own children and my house looks like this:
It’s really easy to look around and think, “I’m failing. At absolutely EVERYTHING that I’m trying to do.”
In fact, I got in bed last night thinking that very thing. All of these things in my life – seminary, working with Redeemed, homeschooling my kids – are all things that God called me to, but I find myself feeling inadequate; a failure.
We have been ransomed through his Son’s blood, and we have forgiveness for our failures based on his overflowing grace
I thought about this a lot today as I was returning emails, posting in forums, getting ready for a meeting, picking up around the house and cooking dinner. I realized that my value does not come from how well I am doing at any given moment in time at any given task. My value comes from God, and I am to give him my best. Sometimes my best is going to be messy and disorganized and crazy because I am human, but that’s OK.
He knows my heart, and I am striving for my best.
We got a new couch today.
A beautiful brown leather sectional that replaced a 10 year old, stained, dog hair covered couch that I was happy to see go.
It’s a couch. People get new ones all the time.
I didn’t realize, however, just how big of a deal that something like a new couch could be to someone with autism.
In all of my planning of where to put it, new pillows and rearranging end tables, it didn’t occur to me to prepare my daughter for the upcoming change to her environment.
I know she’ll get used to it, but I hope I remember this and don’t make this mistake again.